The worst standup I have ever seen.

The worst stand up I’ve ever seen was the support for one of the best gigs I’ve seen recently. Pete Cain was supporting Jim Jefferies in Bristol. The contrast between the two was incredible, and it’s a testament to Jim’s performance that Pete didn’t leave a sour taste on the whole night.

Before I go further, I’ve read around this, and thought about posting it a lot. From what I’ve read, Pete Cain’s performance that night was in no way representative of his usual act. I think it was a very bad night for him. But I think it stands out as a perfect “when not to do it” example, and a reminder that you can’t “just wing it” and that if people have bothered to go out to a show, you should do your best to make their evening the best you can.

I was not aware that there was going to be a support act until Pete Cain walked out on stage. There was no mention on the ticket, on the booking, or in anything I’d seen about it. But, out he walked, and I’m getting two shows for one.
He came out and opened with “You know those days when you really can’t be bothered going to work, well this is one of those days for me, so we’re all going to have to get through this together. How long was that? 2 minutes? No? Just one? Shit.”

The crowd reaction was one where no one was sure where he was going. Is this his bit? Is he going somewhere with this? Or is he, as he says, hung over and can’t be bothered.
Turns out, he’s hung over and can’t be bothered. After explaining this, he says he’s going to try and get through the next 28 minutes without doing any jokes. After a couple more minutes he asks for another time check.
For another next twenty two minutes, he constantly asks the crowd how long he’s got left to go, tells us he’s still not going to do any jokes, and at one point, gets his iPhone out, reads out some half formed ideas from the notepad app, and then phones his friend to tell him how badly it’s going. Some of the crowd is laughing. It’s that nervous tense, “is this really happening” type of laugh.

In the last five minutes he does a half hearted attempt at a routine. It’s got potential, but in no way can it make up for the previous twenty five minutes.

We’re all there to see Jim Jefferies. We’re there to see comedy. This act was neither. It was insulting, irritating, and a waste of everybody’s time. I suspect the only reason he was on stage was so he got paid. As a performer you have an obligation to your audience to deliver a performance. You have a set, probably memorised. Even a half hearted attempt at delivering it is better than a refusal to bother. It was no surprise to him that he was due on stage. And three hundred people haven’t paid to see you do this.

Again, for a sense of fairness, he’s supporting Jim Jerreries, who is known for performing at his best while drunk. With Jim, often the drunker the funnier. And if you’re out drinking with someone like that, it’s probably hard not to get carried away. But you know this, and it’s mid tour.

One of two things is happening. Either this IS his act, in which case, it’s going horribly, and is certainly not a 30 minute piece. OR it’s not his act, in which case, WTF is he playing at?

The lesson, it would seem, is sometimes it’s better to not bother, rather than annoy the crowd. Especially if they’re not even expecting you in the first place. We would never have known any difference is Jim had come out on stage and he’d stayed backstage with a sore head.

As I said, I don’t think that night was representative of him. Here’s a much better set at the Comedy Store. I hope to get a chance to see him again, to see the difference between an off day and an on day.

It’s the petty things

I used to work in food service, a couple of takeaway’s and a cinema concession stand.
It’s where you go if you really want to learn to properly despise all of humanity. It makes you petty, it forces you to be petty, as you have petty thrust upon you daily. If you are lucky and have never been subjected to the daily humiliation and deprivation that is food service, a place where every tiny mistake is called out, every perceived slight or attitude is worthy of being called into the office. You have a different boss every minute and none of them have any regard for immediately before or after their interaction with you, but you must comply fully with them, however stupid they may be (and a lot of them are at the very least, wilfully ignorant), or face the wrath of the actual boss.
It’s not hard to see where the attitude comes from, where the pettiness originates. I thought it might be “chicken or egg”, “attitude or degrading job”, but, turns out, it’s the job. The stupid pointless job. It’s just popcorn, it’s not important, you are going to see a film, graze for a bit, get bored and throw it at the person sitting in front of you, then I have to go clean it up after you.
Ok, I’m not a people person. I’m so not a people person that on at least one occasion, a customer told me I wasn’t a people person, and asked me why I was working there. Seriously? Why does anyone work there? It’s not for self fulfilment, it’s for money, and not much of it.
And this, this is why I hate this man.

I warn you now, it’s petty. Really petty. I am clearly scarred from the job, but it’s been years since I worked in service, and over a year since this was on, and this man still makes me angry. This man, and the hundreds or so of him that you deal with daily, have the potential to really ruin your day.
As this advert was on TV over a year ago (I warned you, it lingers, in my heart and in my drafts folder) it’ll probably help to watch the advert again.

Stupid haircut aside, this man has that slightly passive agressive attitude that is instantly infuriating. The scene, he’s in a sandwich shop. He’s ordering a sandwich. It’s clearly the girls first day as she is cheery and helpful.

She then clearly offends him. She offers him jalepenos on his sandwich. Jalepenos, can you believe the gall of this?
This man clearly can’t. Because his reaction, is subtle, but instantly annoying. He crumples up his face, puts on a look of disgust, and yes, disappointment. “errrr, no”.

I told you it was petty.

But it’s the condescention in his voice, the fact that he can’t believe that she doesn’t know he doesn’t like jalepenos. How does she not know that as a child he once mistook a jalepeneo for a green bean and bit into it, in all his innocence and wide eyed youth. He bit into a jalepeneo and from that moment was scarred for life. “Mum mum” he cries “my mouth is on fire, it hurts!”. And his mum, who never paid proper attention in chemistry gave him some water, which, as we all know is pH 7, or neutral. If she had listened in chemistry when she was 14, instead of writing Bob Dylan lyrics on her copybook, she would have given the child some milk instead, which has a high pH and would have helped balance the low pH of the acidic jelepeneo pepper. So his mouth continued to burn and he continued to cry, and even his favourite teddy bear couldn’t make it better, and how could this young girl working in his favourite sandwich shop not know this most pertinent of facts about him. You do not offer him jalepenos.

It’s such a slap in the face to him, he can’t even hide his contempt. He can’t just say “no thanks” like a normal civilised human. He has to pull faces and be a dick about it. If someone came up to him and asked him how his sandwhich was he would say that “the experience was ruined by jalepeneo-gate” because he is the sort of bastard that appends “gate” onto any sort of incident

Look at his face, pure contempt.

I’m really glad he gets accosted by a green pepper.

The Chinese have got it right. You order by giving a list of numbers. End of story. No fuss, no misunderstanding. It’s a good system, maybe we should try it more.

This blog has not been bought to you by Subway, although they are rather tasty.