Theresa May and the copyright stratagem.

UK home secretary and chief coat collar strategist has ruled that a UK citizen who set up a link search engine, a google or bing if you will, should be extradited to USA corp on charges of being a meanie, despite being a meanie not being against UK law. Link

Sontaran

USA corp has stirred it’s magic spoon in a bowl of fictitious numbers and decided that Richard O’Dwyer might have cost US business interests 50p by collecting and organising links to material hosted by youtube.

Theresa May

Head busybody May was reported as saying, “look, if you’ve done nothing wrong, you have nothing to fear. Except extradition to the US on charges that would never stand up to basic scrutiny here.

“What? No, you can’t see my internet history under a freedom of information request, I fail to see what you would have to gain from that. Besides, I keep my internet history in an offshore account where it is not subject to UK laws.” Link

I’d better stop writing, in the distance I can hear sirens. I may have jaywalked earlier. I also think I didn’t come to a complete stop at a stop sign, and don’t know how to recite the alphabet backwards. Orange jumpsuits don’t suit me! If they try to  send me to Guantanamo, please do a better job than this!

Theresa May

Big Fat Tory Wedding: Review

The Big Fat Tory Wedding programme is often labelled as prejudiced or unfair, but what it actually does is attempt to give us a peek into Tory lifestyle, customs and beliefs which are often very different to our own.

There is often a perception that the Tories are reclusive. There’s no merit to this. Tories are often to be found hanging around fundraisers and yacht parties. However, this doesn’t mean that the Tories are inclusive – outsiders are often shunned and there is a strict code as to who is allowed into their circle. The show explains the strict financial targets and birth lineage needed to be a true Tory. Despite the stereotypes that they are all about money, if you are “new money” or the “wrong type of foreign” you will not be allowed to be a real Tory.

Tory Life
The male Tories have unusual bonding rituals. The programme shows them descending upon an unsuspecting restaurateur and ordering all the caviar. Despite their high spending the owners are not happy as the Tories soon consume too much Bollinger and the Bonsai tree centre pieces bear the brunt of their excitement.
There isn’t much known about Tory women, some question whether women are even allowed to be true Tories, in recent years there have been a few allowed to mix with the menfolk, but they are a rare sight. Tories prefer their women to be quiet and out of sight.

Tory Sites
The arrival of a group of Tories often causes concern for the locals. These locals are concerned that the Tories will move into their local library and close it down. They have heard rumours that the Tories closed down a charity for blind orphan children at the last town they were in because it was not profitable enough and there are rumours of a Local Health Authority being taken in the night, stripped down and sold back to patients in need.

Tory Religion
Despite this seemingly outlandish behaviour Tories are often very proactively concerned about the religious and spiritual well being of others. They hold traditional family values in high regard and scorn any outsider (or “peasant” to use the Tory vernacular) who ends up a single parent. Such a fate is surely a punishment from God for being poor. Punishment is swift and brutal.

These Tories certainly seem like an odd bunch, but it certainly appears that their customs and beliefs seem incompatible with most normal civilised society, for which they seem strangely unapologetic, trying to pin the blame for their anti social behaviour on the poor and disabled.

The Tories are currently putting on a performance art piece about their society. Surprisingly it’s been signed for at least 5 years. It’s currently showing in Westminster but its affects can be felt countrywide.

Abbotgate

AbbotGate? Seriously? That annoys me as much as people saying they’ll try 110%. It’s 120% annoying.

Not your typical racist.

I think Dianne Abbot is as racist as I am black. Which I’m not. And there ends the amount of opinion I’m allowed to have about the matter, as a white person, except to say that I think it’s telling that the media only seems to take notice of a black woman’s opinion under these circumstances.

So instead I’m going to tackle a side issue. The gate suffix.

Watergate was an actual place. It was not a scandal about water. Therefore, scandals should only be allowed to be a “gate” when a word with the gate suffix is an actual real word. Not just appended to any old word.

20120105-181951.jpg

To help with this I have provided some examples below. Enjoy.

Police screw up Stephen Lawrence case. InvestiGate

The wife said “turn left”, but claims she said “right”. We’re referring to the incident as navigate.

I saw a copper kick a man in an already broken leg, papers are calling it castiGate

Rebecca Black was accused of lip-syncing, The scandal is being called FriGate

MP’s found smoking in the House of Commons. FumiGate

Footballer in lovechild shocker. surroGate

MP’s accused of not hiring minorities in segreGate scandal

Churches being forced to use budget roofing materials after new lead tax. corruGate.

Columbus mislabels native Americans after missing India and landing in America in a scandal called “circumnaviGate”

Fury as President tries to close the deficit by selling one of the states. DeleGate

MP caught buying “sexual enhancement products”. ElonGate

Fluoride being added to water supplies. ColGate (HT @mmeguillotine)

… The MP denied he has proposed to his mistress. Papers are calling it neGate

An MP was found in possession of bestiality pornography, it’s being called tailGate

There have been allegations of corruption of the watergate hotel. Papers are calling it “Nixon resigns shock”

I’ve written loads of these, I’m getting tired now. It’ll be called. defatiGate

But at the rate I’m going some people will call it profliGate

There’s just too many, as if someone opened a floodGate

That’s it, I’m addicted to “-Gate”. I’ll call this condition gate-AHOLIC

Here are some more words ending in gate. See how many you can do.

aggregate
abjugate.
Ablegate.
Abligate
abnegate
Abrogate
abrogate
Adjugate.
Adrogate
Alligate
arrogate
Bijugate
centrifugate
congregate
delegate
Deligate
Denegate
Derogate
divagate
Evulgate
Indagate
Irrigate
Irrugate
instigate
interrogate
Levigate
lichgate
Litigate
lychgate
mitigate
Obligate
Obrogate
propagate
relegate
Runagate
subjugate

As much as I hate -gate, I’d love to see one of those words in a Sun headline.

The Labour government were intrusive, the Tories are taking it to new creepy levels.

In my misspent youth I worked in a cinema. I would spend 8 hours a day standing near TV screens that ran a 10-20 minute loop of adverts and film trailers. That was one of the worst aspects of that job, worse than smelling of popcorn, worse than the customers, as the DVD would only be swopped out on a monthly basis. New video loop day was a good day. Thankfully I wasn’t enduring this mental needling while worrying about my health on a hospital bed…

While he tries to dismantle the cornerstone of our nations health, a national institution that the world looks upon jealously, Andrew Lansley has decided, in a move that would be more fitting in a Doctor Who episode, to have a video loop of him, every 2-5 minutes, beside every bed, telling the unwilling occupant, “that your care while you’re here in hospital really matters to me.” Creepy. If David Tennant heard that, he’d promptly pull out a sonic screwdriver and start looking for the Dalek plot. Trying to pose as someone who actually cares is a cynical move, that, while in no way beyond the tory party, is a surprising one, that seems calculated to drive the staff to new levels of impotent rage and helplessness while they battle cuts, pension reductions, and an uncertain future.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-15833704


Meanwhile, Michael Gove is stamping his personal beliefs on his department, education. Our schools are all being sent a special “anniversary edition” of the King James Bible, with a forward writhed by Gove himself. It’s bad enough when bands re-issue old albums, but for a government to re-issue a bible? What you have here, is a government issue bible, being sent, unsolicited, to all schools, regardless of their wishes, the beliefs of the pupils, the beliefs of the teachers and at presumably great cost, as they are having to print their own editions of this bible. Of course this fits naturally with Cameron’s vision of a big society, because not enough charity groups try to give bibles to impressionable young children as it is, so it’s vital that the government steps in and helps here. I can’t think of a better use of that money or resource.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2011/nov/25/michael-gove-king-james-bible

As a rebranding exercise, it seems misguided. I’m not sure what’s worse, Nasty Party or Creepy Party. At least I could trust the Nasty Party not to be up a tree with a pack of doughnuts and a pari of binoculars (unlike Labour). As it stands I’m had expecting them to do something dodgy like force job seekers to work for multi billion companies like Tesco under threat of losing their job seekers allowance if they don’t. Oh, wait. Because we all know business’ are hurting and need our help, especially Tesco’s. And there’s nothing that is more urgent in this country than stacking those shelves that job seekers could be doing instead? No? Everything good? Lovely. I guess we’ve nothing to worry about then, as Tesco’s empty shelves are the nations most pressing issue. Good job Cameron et al. Almost makes me wish I’d voted for you. Oh wait, thanks to Nick Clegg I sort of did….

Why does Cameron really want to shut down Twitter?

I don’t usually do politics here, please bear with me. Normal service will be resumed shortly. Marc Maron has just released a new album, and Keith Malley’s 8th album is coming out tomorrow, and I’m on my third month of veganism.

During the riots we had 24 hour news on TV in my house. They were reporting predominately about London, and barely ever mentioned the riots outside of London. The bits they did report from London were repeated on an endless loop, often excluding new breaking news. In short, we knew something bad was happening, but not precisely what, or where. As I live in Bristol I wanted to know what was happening in my city, were we safe, would my work still be there tomorrow, things like that.
So I did what many people did, I turned to Twitter for news. Crowd-sourcing news and information is one of Twitter’s massive strengths. There were people setting up riot hashtags letting people know what trouble areas to avoid. Even the police were using Twitter accounts to reassure, and inform people of what was happening.
Twitter was extremely valuable to countless people all over the country, and did far more good than harm. We even got to see the Big Society in action, there was a #riotcleanup hashtag and accounts (like @bristolriots) where people organised, while the riots were still happening, hundreds of people to get together and move in first thing in the morning to cleanup their communities.
This must have been very distressing for Cameron. The Big Society was in action in two different ways. Both as a news source and as a cleanup operation. Without him, and more damningly, without the private sector. People were doing it, for themselves, by themselves, with no money changing hands. This is not his vision of modern Britain!
Cameron is a highly manipulative, devious and cunning person. The Big Society was his way of trying to sell an emotion and an ideal, without really understanding that emotion. Empathy, compassion, community and caring. Like all effective psychopath’s he’s studied people’s behaviour. He knows what his reaction probably should be, and he knows what people want to hear, but he has no idea how to do it or even why he should.

Wait, are you saying Cameron’s a psychopath?

Psychopath, sociopath, I’m not pretending I’m qualified to say. But, in my opinion, yes, most probably. Psychopaths often end up in positions of power due to their lack of empathy and their cunning, and manipulative tendencies. I’d say that Thatcher, Blair and Cameron are all likely contenders. Clegg isn’t, he’s too weak and would never side with someone so domineering if he was.

What does this have to do with Twitter?

I’m getting off the point. Cameron reacted very poorly to all this. For him to take his eye off the ball like this is very unusual. He spend the first few days of the riots in a villa in Tuscany on holiday, and when he eventually showed up, realised that he had massively underestimated what was going on and had to be seen to be making strong decisions. Social media is an easy target, but shutting down people’s communication is knee jerk and reactionary. It wont solve anything. You might as well shut down phone lines and the postal service. The riots would have happened without social media, they always have before.

It’s not that simple though, is it?

No. I think it’s simpler. It’s revenge. It’s personal.

During the phone hacking scandal recently, much of the story and many of the new developments broke on Twitter. When information breaks out on there you can’t stop it, eventually the mainstream media is forced to recognise it, even though they were sometimes days late with the news. Given that Murdoch controls much of the news here, the story would have been ignored until it went away if it were not for Twitter, and the work of The Guardian. Twitter’s role in keeping the scandal on the news agenda was huge. This caused David Cameron massive embarrassment and has threatened his premiership. It could still bring him down. He has a personal axe to grind with Twitter so this sort of kick back is really not surprising. He’s been handed a situation where he can take a swipe at the social movement that’s caused him the most hurt yet, and he may well try and go for it. Right now he’s doing a cost, benefit analysis (he is after all, a Tory). I expect he’ll realise he has too much to lose and not enough to gain.

To overuse a poker metaphor’s: The News of the World fiasco left Cameron severely short stacked. He only has enough chips left to play one or two more hands. It takes a weak player to wait until their blinds come up and they are forced all in on an unseen hand, and he doesn’t want to appear weak. He’s trying to work out whether he can shove all in now on a hand with a little potential, or wait for the next uncertain one. He should fold this one. He’s not that short stacked. Not quite yet.