Film reviews: Chick flicks and Spiderman 3

Over the last few days I have ended up watching films against my will. I’ll start with Spiderman 3:
I give the film 5 fists out of 5. These are not fists of glory, but of how punchable Toby Macguire was in the film. I do understand that he was supposed to be being obnoxious, but he excelled. One scene in particular, where he is strutting down the street, makes you wonder if the director had told him to be obnoxious or act like a sex fiend. It was embarrassing in a way that only elderly relatives dancing to hip hop can be, I am currently watching Sue Perkins from Mel and Sue twat dance to drums with wine sloshing down her face waving a chicken stuffed on her fist, and it’s less cringing than this film.
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The rest of the film was filled with plot twists that weren’t necessary, the villains basically weren’t, and I’m betting there isn’t a facility in the world that genuinely has a “Warning, particle physics testing area” sign on the fence. Even if you’re watching the series of films and want continuity between 2 and 4, don’t bother as 3 entirely maintains the status quo.

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Onto the chick flicks, Bride Wars and Confessions of a shopaholic. I’m going to do them together as they are so similar in all the bad ways, basically I never knew that women hated women so much. If you ever want to complain about equality, blame these films. If you wanted to put a together examples all the worst stereotypical female gender specific behaviours, these films have got you covered.
I’m honestly at a loss to get any sympathy for any of the characters. Bride wars should only ever be watched at bachelor parties. Bachelor parties where the best man is trying to get the groom to realise he’s making a bad choice. In shopaholic I was on the side of the debt collector. She deserved everything she got, and all the good fortune that came her way just seemed to be a way of making people who are in debt ignore their situation as “everything will be ok in the end.”

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I don’t understand the high fashion thing, there are two functions of clothing, warmth/practicality and looks/attractiveness. If your clothing is not practical logically it means you think it looks good/is flattering on you/will get you laid. But, guess what, men don’t like stupid strappy glittery/furry/wierd $500 shoes or stupid bags, if the point is to make yourselves more attractive and better looking, you are failing. I’ve never met a man who said anything like “if she didn’t have that tiny impractical bag I wouldn’t fuck her” or “ooh, blisters, what’s that you can’t walk?, sexy”. I have met men who’ve said “fucks sake woman, my pockets are full, carry your own shit” or “no I will not carry you to the taxi rank, you should have thought of that earlier, dumb-ass”.
On the other hand I’ve never met any women like these people either. But life imitates art, so I hope the directors are happy with themselves.

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