The trials and tribulations of Moonpig.com

Tuesday was my little brother’s birthday so, like any good older brother, on Monday I sat down, logged onto Moonpig and started looking for a card that summed up the right tone I wanted to convey. I was in luck! They had exactly what I wanted. Well, they would have if my brother was an alcoholic and I was staging an intervention and wanted to get him into AA.

I had a few other options left, but one of them involved the many cards that accuse the recipient of being a sex offender. An old sex offender, because my brother’s birthday must mean I want to mock his ageing years. Ageing seven years behind mine, but still ageing and therefore ripe for piss taking.

I found myself browsing the Jewish section and he almost received a Mazel Tov Bar Mitzvah card with the Star of David on the front, which may be out of place, neither of us being Jewish, but wasn’t as embarrassing as the non Jewish alternatives. I don’t think my brother has ever aspired to being on the cover of OK magazine so there’s a whole other section of their website brushed aside in one fell swoop.

After pausing on the Diwali cards (I never looked in the Holy Communion section, I may have missed something there, do people get Holy Communion cards? I thought it happened every week?), I settled on an age joke card. At least I’m only accusing him of existing in the same relative place of existence as the rest of us, not destroying his life and the lives of loved ones.

That took far too long. Before arriving at this I got the checkout stage with a custom made card with no picture and the caption “this page intentionally blank” before getting here.

It wouldn’t be complete without some customisation would it? For a start he’s not called Bruce.

It’s funny because he’s old, and instead of the bat mobile there’s a mobility scooter, and in his youth he had a bat mobile. And the implication is of course that I think you’re old, despite being younger than me, but, it was either this or a card accusing you of being an alcoholic, or a sex pest. Anyway, happy birthday and all that, you ancient drunkard.

It’s surprising how much work you have to put into these things isn’t it? Happy Birthday Bruce.

Watch out for my funkypigeon.com review next year.

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